How will you raise the kids, not what school they will go to or what religion will they be raised in, but the day to day routine, the rules, what you enforce, what you let slide. These are all the things that created stability or no stability in a child’s life. Now, how could something as important as this get missed in that Divorce Decree?  But isn’t that one of the bonuses of divorce; that bonus of being able to raise the kids however you each want?

    Here is the problem with each parent raising the kids their own way: Kids need consistent routines, they need consistent rules and consistent guidelines. It is tough enough for kids to get down the set of rules for home and the set of rules for school but to then add on top of that a new set of rules for when they’re with Mom and a different set for when they are with Dad is very hard on kids. But what gets even worse is that Mom and Dad are making up the rules and routine as they go along, since Mom and Dad are in a state of change, so are the rules and routines and often changing day to day. 

    The kids have all the emotional trauma of their parents separating which cannot be avoided but the upheaval of routines and shifting rules (changing, enforced one day but overlooked the next day) can be avoided. The largest percentage of “acting out” exhibited by children of divorced parents comes from the inconsistent rules and routines with Mon & Dad arguing, disagreeing on those rules and routines, than does the actual emotional loss they suffer from their parents getting divorced. Parents that are single think the kids are unaware of the disagreements between you and your ex in raising them because you only talk when they are out of hearing range, but on the contrary the kids are very aware and what is worse they often feel they are the cause of these disagreements between Mom & Dad.

    The single most important thing to workout during the divorce is the rules and routines you will both use to raise the kids by. Also, these rules and routines don’t get thrown out when you marry someone else; keep the modifications to these rules and routines as minimal as possible. More than likely this was not addressed in your divorce, so sit down with your ex this week to workout and get agreements between the two of you on what these rules and routines will be. If you still cannot be in the same room together without killing each other then bring in a friend to help keep it civil while you work this out.

This is The Key!
Make the routines weekend and weekday, not the routine at Dad’s and the routine at Mom’s. For example if the Saturday routine is watch cartoons, help clean the house, help do grocery shopping and the rest of the day is fun stuff, then keep that same routine with Dad and Mom. If the routine is play after school, dinner, help wash the dishes, homework, TV, bath, bedtime story and bed then keep it the same either place, not “we don’t have to do dishes at Dad’s” or “Mom doesn’t make us take a bath every night”. This way neither Mom nor Dad is the bad or good guy, it is just the routine for that day and weekend routines are different from weekday routines. Also, when the kids don’t have homework on some nights then have them read out loud to you or have math workbooks available for them to work in during that time, even a research project on the Net of historical castles as they are today, whatever, but keep in the study time at the same time every weeknight. It makes doing homework so much easier for them and you over the years.

   Work with each other on the routines, if Dad is not that great of a cook especially after working all day and he likes to do Take Out for dinner when he has the kids every other Wednesday night then make Wednesday nights Take Out night every week as part of the routine, instead of “Well, Dad always get us Take Out”. Parents that are single often build up a lot of unnecessary resentment for there ex, when having simple agreed to routines can help avoid this.

    There are two things you as a single parent need to realize:

1. You and your ex are going to be competing for your children's affections and it is all too easy to get into trying to “out do” your ex in buying your children's affection to keep them on your side.
2. Children will try to get their own way by using one parent against the other and this is greatly magnified in divorced families.

  Having agreed upon rules and routines will save you, your ex and the kids a great deal of misery, hurt feelings and arguments. It is not fair for anyone in the family, if one parent does all the “heavy lifting” in raising the kids and the other one is just there for play time. Parental alienation has at times developed from just such imbalances.  

    There is one other thing to be aware of in rules and routines, kids just like every adult, get lazy occasionally and don’t want to do what they should do. Kids will say, “how come I/we always have to do________?” I know all too well the instant gratification that comes to a parent from that beaming face of the child when you have just given into their pleas. But children of all ages need rules and routines until they have developed enough life experience and responsibly to implement their own rules and routines successfully.  So take the time, make the effort, work out the agreements between you and your ex on the rules and routines for your children. You’ll see the different in your kids; they will be more stable and much happier not to mention the fact that you and your ex will be much saner and happier people.